I wrote about the Three Forms of Pressure the other day, and I want to talk more about wandering. It’s the most subtle of the pressures, and for me at least, the most difficult to overcome. (If you haven’t already read The Three Forms of Pressure: The Second Idea, start there and this will make more sense.)
So, yes. Wandering.
Wandering is uncertainty. Wandering is doubt. It’s the pressure of being a beginner, of not being fully steeped in an idea, of not knowing which direction to go.
From the outside, wandering can look like a lack of focus or not taking things seriously enough. But often it’s just the opposite. It’s taking things too seriously. Putting too much weight on any one decision. Being afraid of making a mistake you can’t undo.
Wandering is self doubt, something creatives are remarkably skilled at. We can doubt ourselves into never taking a single step. It’s pretty amazing, actually. We can try a thing in our mind, play it out in our imagination, find a hundred ways it wouldn’t work, and quit before we’ve even started. We’re left feeling as though we’re surrounded by empirical evidence of our own failure where there is literally none.
Then vulnerability kicks in. Why set yourself up to fail? That’s like asking for a heartbreak. We protect ourselves from the dangers we perceive we’ve experienced. And we have experienced them! The emotions we feel are real. The actions we perceive as having caused them are not.
Vulnerability makes us protective, and protective creatures contract into their own shell. It’s natural. It’s biological. And, I’m afraid it’s turtles all the way down.
So, yes. Wandering.
Wandering is the existential question What do I want to be when I grow up? Have you ever noticed how often this is asked by people who are well and truly grown? Children don’t put this kind of pressure on themselves. And if they do ask (or are asked) this question, they don’t see answering it as severing a limb to all future possibilities. It’s just a question of imagination.
And, it’s worth noting, this question is rarely do. It’s usually be. What do I want to do when I grow up can have a hundred answers. We can do numerous things over the course of a lifetime. What do I want to be can only have one.
So, yes. Wandering.
I love the notion of seeing wandering as a pressure. Pressures are physical forces that we feel in our very being. But for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Push. Pull. Rise. Fall. Embrace. Release.
Opposing forces are what lead us out of the desert.
In creative work, opposing forces are embracing discomfort. Pouring yourself into vulnerability. Making a decision even if you aren’t certain it’s the right one. Experimentation. Being open to discovery. Play. Releasing the pressure of expectation.
And, yes: wandering.
This article is part 2 of a 3-part series. Read part 3 here:
The Three Forms of Pressure: 27 Bee Stings
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